Bullying vs Incivility: What You Need to Know
Short answer
Bullying involves repeated, intentional acts aimed at hurting or controlling someone perceived as weaker, while incivility refers to rude or disrespectful behavior that is usually less severe, not always targeted, and may happen only occasionally. Understanding these differences helps people respond appropriately and create safer, more respectful environments at home, school, and work.
What is bullying in simple terms?
Bullying is when a person or group repeatedly tries to hurt, scare, or control another person who seems less able to defend themselves. This behavior can be physical, such as hitting or pushing; verbal, like name-calling or threats; or social, including excluding someone or spreading rumors. A key part of bullying is that it happens over time and is meant to cause harm or distress.
For example, if a middle school student continually taunts a classmate about their appearance, encourages others to avoid them, and sends mean messages on social media every week, that is bullying. The targeted student may feel unsafe or anxious about going to school. Bullying creates a power imbalance where the victim often feels helpless.
Bullying is not limited to young people. Adults can experience it in workplaces or communities, too. For instance, a coworker who constantly criticizes another’s work unfairly, spreads false stories, or excludes them from meetings is bullying. Recognizing bullying means noticing repeated harmful actions, a clear intent to intimidate or hurt, and an imbalance of power.
What is incivility and how does it differ from bullying?
Incivility means being rude or disrespectful, but it is usually less serious than bullying. It might include interrupting someone when they speak, failing to say “please” or “thank you,” or making sarcastic comments that annoy others. Incivility may happen once or a few times and often without the intent to harm someone specifically.
For example, a coworker who occasionally sighs loudly during meetings or doesn’t greet others in the morning is acting uncivil. This behavior can create discomfort or tension but usually doesn’t cause fear or emotional harm like bullying does. Unlike bullying, incivility may be unintentional and is not typically repeated toward the same person to cause harm.
The main differences are that bullying is intentional, repeated, and targets someone less powerful, while incivility is often a breach of common courtesy that may or may not be repeated or targeted. Still, if incivility goes unchecked, it can contribute to an unhealthy environment and sometimes lead to bullying behavior.
How can you tell bullying and incivility apart in real life?
Here is a clear example to help tell the difference:
- Bullying: A student repeatedly calls another student “loser,” blocks them from joining group activities, and sends threatening messages for several weeks. This is bullying because it is repeated, targeted, and intended to cause emotional harm.
- Incivility: A student occasionally rolls their eyes or makes a rude remark during class but doesn’t do this repeatedly or target one person. This is incivility—bad manners but not bullying.
At work:
- Bullying: An employee spreads false rumors about a coworker’s performance, excludes them from team meetings, and criticizes their work unfairly over several months.
- Incivility: An employee sometimes forgets to say “thank you” or speaks in a sharp tone but doesn’t single anyone out or make it a repeated pattern of harm.
To decide if something is bullying or incivility, ask these questions:
- Does the behavior happen repeatedly?
- Is the person trying to hurt, control, or embarrass someone?
- Is the person targeted less able to defend themselves?
If the answers are yes, it is likely bullying. If the behavior is occasional, unintentional, or general rudeness, it is probably incivility.
Why does understanding the difference between bullying and incivility matter?
Knowing how to tell bullying and incivility apart matters because it helps people respond properly. Bullying often requires formal action like reporting to authorities, counseling, or disciplinary steps since it can seriously affect a person’s emotional and physical well-being. Incivility, while unpleasant, may be managed through improved communication and reminders about respect.
For parents, teachers, and managers, understanding these differences means they can protect those at risk of bullying while helping everyone improve their communication skills to reduce incivility. For example, addressing incivility early—such as reminding a team to speak politely—can prevent negative feelings from growing. Ignoring bullying, however, can lead to lasting harm.
Clear rules that define bullying and incivility, along with teaching about each, help people recognize problems and take action. When people know what bullying looks like, victims can feel heard and get help sooner.
What related terms are often confused with bullying and incivility?
It is common to mix up bullying and incivility with other terms. Here is a table clarifying some of these:
| Term | What It Means | How It Differs From Bullying/Incivility |
|---|---|---|
| Harassment | Unwanted behavior based on protected traits like race or gender | Often illegal and discriminatory, focus on protected classes |
| Abuse | Severe harm including physical or emotional mistreatment | Can be criminal or very serious; bullying may be a form of abuse |
| Conflict | Normal disagreements without intent to harm | Not meant to hurt, often temporary and mutual |
| Hazing | Initiation activities that may be humiliating or harmful | Usually group-based rituals, sometimes crossing into bullying or abuse |
Knowing these differences helps you respond correctly. For example, harassment often requires formal legal or organizational action, while incivility might be handled by improving communication norms. Articles on bullying vs harassment or bullying vs abuse can offer more details.
What should you do if you experience or witness bullying or incivility?
Here are detailed steps to take:
- Clearly recognize the behavior: Use clear language when describing what happened. For example, say, “They have been teasing me repeatedly and excluding me from group activities,” to explain bullying. For incivility, you might say, “I felt disrespected when they ignored my greeting.”
- Keep a record: Write down dates, times, what was said or done, and who saw it. This documentation is helpful if you need to report the behavior.
- Speak up calmly and safely: If you feel safe, tell the person their behavior is not okay. You could say, “I feel hurt when you call me names. Please stop.”
- Ask for support: Talk to a trusted teacher, supervisor, counselor, or family member who can help you figure out what to do next.
- Use formal reporting when needed: If bullying continues or is severe, follow school or workplace procedures. This might mean filing a complaint with human resources or school administrators.
- Focus on your well-being: Seek emotional support from friends, family, or professionals. If you feel overwhelmed or in crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
For incivility, addressing the behavior through polite but firm communication or gentle reminders about respect often works. If incivility becomes ongoing and creates a hostile space, consider asking for mediation or HR involvement.
How can you encourage respect and reduce bullying and incivility where you live or work?
Building a respectful environment takes effort from everyone. Here are practical ways to do it:
- Set clear behavior standards: Write and share guidelines about what respectful communication looks like and what happens if bullying or incivility occurs.
- Lead by example: Use polite language, listen carefully, and acknowledge others’ ideas. For instance, say “Thank you for sharing your point” instead of interrupting.
- Practice empathy: Encourage thinking about how others might feel before speaking or acting. This can reduce accidental rudeness or hurtful behavior.
- Address problems early: Don’t ignore rude or harmful behavior. Speak up calmly or involve a neutral third party to help resolve issues.
- Recognize positive actions: Notice and praise respectful and kind behavior to encourage more of it.
- Provide training or workshops: Schools and workplaces can offer sessions on communication, conflict resolution, and bullying prevention.
For example, a manager might start meetings with a reminder to listen respectfully, while a teacher could create classroom rules about kindness and fairness. These steps help everyone feel safer and more comfortable speaking up.
Frequently asked questions
Can bullying happen online, and how is it different from incivility online?
Yes, bullying online, called cyberbullying, means repeated harmful acts like threats or spreading lies through social media or messages. Online incivility might be rude comments or sarcasm that happen occasionally. Cyberbullying is more severe because it is repeated and targeted, while incivility online is usually less harmful.
Is incivility always a sign that bullying might happen?
No, incivility can come from stress or poor communication without harmful intent. While it can create tension, it doesn’t always lead to bullying. Addressing incivility early can help prevent problems from growing.
How can parents teach children the difference between bullying and incivility?
Parents can explain that bullying is repeated and meant to hurt, while incivility is occasional rudeness. Using examples and role-playing respectful responses helps children understand and respond appropriately.
What should I do if I’m not sure whether behavior is bullying or incivility?
Keep notes about what happens and talk to a trusted adult, teacher, or supervisor. They can help you understand the situation and suggest next steps.
Are there laws against bullying and incivility?
Many states have laws addressing bullying, especially in schools and workplaces. Harassment laws may also protect against bullying. Incivility alone is usually not illegal but may violate workplace or school policies. Check local rules and ask for guidance if needed.