Co-Regulation Strategies for Teens with Autism

Teens 13–17 · How-to · Updated October 1, 2026 · LearnLife Editorial

What do you need before starting co-regulation with a trusted person?

Before you begin co-regulation, it’s important to prepare a few things that make the experience comfortable and effective. Start by choosing a quiet, calm place where you feel safe and won’t be interrupted. This might be your bedroom, a quiet corner at school, or a peaceful spot outside. Having low noise and few distractions helps your brain focus on calming down. Next, pick a trusted person to help you. This could be a parent, sibling, teacher, counselor, or friend who understands you and can stay calm even if your feelings get big. It’s helpful if this person knows about autism and your unique needs.

Gather some calming items that you like or find helpful. For example, a favorite fidget toy, headphones to listen to music, or a weighted blanket. These tools can help your body feel more comfortable during stressful moments. Also, agree on a way to signal when you want help—this could be a word, a hand gesture, or a card with a symbol on it. This step is important because sometimes it’s hard to say “I need support” out loud. Before starting, talk with the person about what you both expect during co-regulation. Knowing what will happen helps reduce worry or confusion.

What are the step-by-step actions you should take for co-regulation?

Here’s a detailed step-by-step guide to co-regulation that you and your helper can follow:

1. Notice and name your feelings: Try to pay attention to what you’re feeling. You might say or think, “I feel angry,” “I’m scared,” or “I’m frustrated.” Using simple words or even pictures can help if it’s hard to find the right words. For example, you might say, “I feel upset because my plans changed.”

1. Use your signal to ask for help: When feelings get too big, use the signal you and your helper agreed on. This could be saying “Help,” showing a card, or a hand gesture. This tells the helper you want support without needing to explain everything right away.

1. The trusted person stays calm and steady: The helper should speak softly and keep their body language relaxed—no sudden moves or loud voices. They might say, “I’m here with you,” or “We’ll get through this together.” Their calm presence helps your brain feel safe.

1. Try soothing words or phrases together: The helper can repeat calming phrases like “You’re safe,” “It’s okay to feel this way,” or “Let’s breathe together.” Hearing these words can help lower anxiety or anger.

1. Do calming activities: Together, try activities that help your body and mind relax. This might be breathing slowly through your nose and out through your mouth, squeezing a stress ball, rocking gently in a chair, or listening to calming music. The helper can guide you by saying, “Let’s take five slow breaths together.”

1. Check in often: The helper should ask how you’re feeling, such as “Are you feeling a little better?” or “Do you want to keep doing this or try something else?” This helps you feel heard and in control.

1. Return to normal activities when ready: When you feel calmer, begin doing regular activities again but keep the helper nearby in case you need more support. For example, after calming down, you might return to homework or talking with friends.

Each step is designed to slow down the flood of feelings and help you feel safe and understood.

How can you tell if co-regulation is working?

You can tell co-regulation is working when you start feeling less overwhelmed or tense. Your body might feel more relaxed—your muscles loosen, your heart beats slower, or your breathing evens out. You may notice your thoughts become clearer or less jumbled. Sometimes you’ll feel ready to talk about what upset you or what you need next. Another sign is feeling safer because the trusted person is there with you.

For example, if you started feeling very anxious about a school test and, after a few minutes of deep breathing and calm words from your helper, your chest doesn’t feel so tight and you feel more ready to try. Even if you’re not fully calm, feeling a little better is progress.

Sometimes, success looks like learning new ways to calm down. You might begin using your calming tools by yourself after practicing with help. It’s also a good sign if you can ask for help sooner the next time emotions get big.

What should you do when co-regulation doesn’t work?

Sometimes co-regulation might not work right away, and that’s okay. If you don’t feel calmer after trying, tell the trusted person that the way you’re trying isn’t helping. Use simple words like “This isn’t working” or “I need a break.” Then, try different calming activities or take a short break from talking. For instance, you might want to sit quietly alone for a while, go for a walk, or listen to music by yourself.

If you feel overwhelmed and can’t calm down with co-regulation, it’s important to be patient with yourself. Big feelings sometimes take time. You might also ask the helper to call a counselor or therapist who can help you figure out other strategies.

It’s helpful to plan ahead for times when co-regulation is challenging. For example, you might create a “calm down plan” with your helper listing several activities to try if one doesn’t work. This way, you’re ready with options.

How can co-regulation be adapted specifically for teens with autism?

Co-regulation works best when it matches your personal needs and preferences, especially for teens with autism. Sensory sensitivities matter a lot. For example, if loud voices or touch bother you, tell your helper to speak softly or avoid physical contact unless you ask for it. Instead of hugs, maybe a thumbs-up or sitting nearby is better.

Many teens with autism find visual supports helpful. Using emotion cards with pictures or simple charts to show feelings can make sharing emotions easier. For example, you might hold up a card with a sad face instead of saying “I feel sad.”

Clear, simple language is key. Helpers should avoid confusing phrases or sarcasm. Saying exactly what they mean, like “Let’s breathe together now,” helps you understand instructions without guessing.

Since routines help many teens with autism feel secure, try to practice co-regulation in the same place and at regular times. For example, after school every day, you might spend five minutes with your helper practicing calming strategies, so it becomes a habit.

Finally, some teens prefer written instructions or schedules for co-regulation steps. Writing down the steps or having a checklist can make it easier to remember what to do when feelings get big.

What are some practical calming activities to try during co-regulation?

Trying different calming activities helps you find what works best for you. Here are some practical ideas:

• Deep breathing: Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 counts, hold for 2 counts, then breathe out through your mouth for 6 counts. Repeat 5 times.
• Squeezing a stress ball or fidget toy: This helps release tension in your hands and focuses your mind.
• Listening to calming music: Use headphones and pick songs that relax you, like soft instrumentals or nature sounds.
• Drawing or coloring: Focus on simple shapes or favorite characters to distract your brain from big feelings.
• Rocking or swinging: Gentle movement can soothe your body; sitting in a rocking chair or swinging on a swing works well.
• Using a weighted blanket or lap pad: The pressure can feel comforting and grounding.
• Going outside for a short walk: Fresh air and a change of scene can help reset your mood.

Try different activities and keep notes about which ones help you feel calmer or happier. Your helper can support you in trying these and adjusting as needed.

Why is co-regulation important for teens with autism?

Co-regulation is important because it helps you learn how to handle strong emotions with support, instead of feeling overwhelmed alone. Many teens with autism experience emotions more intensely or find it hard to calm down on their own. Co-regulation teaches you step-by-step ways to feel safer and more in control by sharing the experience with someone who understands and stays calm.

Using co-regulation regularly can improve your ability to recognize feelings, communicate needs, and use calming strategies—even on your own eventually. It also builds stronger relationships because you practice trusting others and being understood.

For example, during a stressful moment, having someone help you calm down can prevent a bigger meltdown and make it easier to go back to school, social activities, or hobbies. Over time, co-regulation can help you feel more confident managing emotions in many parts of your life.

Frequently asked questions

Can I practice co-regulation by myself?

Co-regulation means working with someone else to manage big feelings. While you can practice calming techniques alone, the “co” part means having support. Learning with someone helps build skills so you can calm yourself better later.

How do I find the right person to help with co-regulation?

Choose someone who listens, stays calm, and respects your boundaries. It might be a family member, teacher, counselor, or friend. Feeling safe and comfortable with them is most important.

What if I don’t want to talk about my feelings during co-regulation?

You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. You can use pictures, gestures, or just be quiet while the helper stays with you. Co-regulation is about feeling supported, not forcing conversation.

How often should I use co-regulation?

Use it whenever emotions feel too big or overwhelming. Practicing it regularly can help you calm down faster and feel more in control over time.

Can co-regulation help with anxiety and anger?

Yes. Co-regulation supports you during strong emotions like anxiety or anger by helping you feel safe and steady, which makes these feelings easier to manage.

What if co-regulation doesn’t help me calm down?

Sometimes it takes time or different strategies. If co-regulation isn’t helping, tell your helper, try other calming activities, or ask a counselor for more support.