What to do during a tantrum
Short answer
During a tantrum, remain calm and ensure safety while offering comfort and clear limits. Use simple, gentle words to acknowledge your child’s feelings without giving in to unreasonable demands. After the tantrum, help your child talk about their emotions and practice calming strategies for next time. These actions support your child’s ability to manage strong feelings.
What do you need before addressing a tantrum?
Before a tantrum occurs, set up an environment that supports calmness and safety. Prepare a quiet, familiar spot where your child can safely express strong emotions—this might be a corner with pillows or a favorite blanket. Gather a few comforting items like a stuffed animal or sensory toys (for example, a squishy ball or textured cloth). These provide tactile comfort during overwhelming moments. Mentally prepare yourself by planning to stay calm and patient; try a few deep breaths before responding. It helps to remind yourself that tantrums are a normal way children express feelings they cannot yet control. Avoid raising your voice or threatening consequences before the tantrum starts, as this can increase anxiety. Having a plan and a calming space ready means you can focus on helping your child rather than reacting out of frustration.
What are the step-by-step actions to take during a tantrum?
- Take a deep breath and stay calm. Your calmness lowers tension and models emotional control. For example, silently count to five or focus on slow breathing before reacting.
- Ensure everyone’s safety. If your child is throwing things or trying to hit, gently guide them away from hazards. Say, “Let’s move to a safe spot where you can be loud but safe,” using a soft voice. Avoid physical restraint unless necessary to prevent injury.
- Get down to their eye level. Squat or sit beside your child so they don’t feel towering or threatened. This makes your interaction feel more supportive and less intimidating.
- Name the feeling they are showing. Say something like, “You look upset and angry.” This helps your child recognize emotions and feel understood.
- Offer comfort and set limits at the same time. For example: “I see you’re very upset. You can cry here, but you can’t hit.” This shows you accept their feelings but not the harmful behavior.
- Use a calm, steady voice with simple words. Repeat your message if needed, such as, “I’m here. You can calm down now.” Avoid long explanations or questions like “Why are you doing this?” during the outburst.
- Stay close but give space if your child needs it. Sometimes children calm themselves better if they know you’re nearby but not crowding them.
- Wait quietly until the tantrum eases. Resist the urge to interrupt or distract too soon; let the intense feelings decrease naturally.
- Redirect or suggest a calming activity once calmer. For example, “Would you like to take some deep breaths with me?” or “Let’s draw together.”
- Talk about what happened afterward. When your child is calm, say, “You felt angry because you couldn’t have the toy. Next time, you can tell me how you feel instead of yelling.” Use this time to teach words for emotions and problem-solving.
How can you tell if your approach during a tantrum worked?
You’ll know your response helped if your child’s tantrums become shorter or less intense over time. During a tantrum, signs of success include your child gradually slowing down, breathing more evenly, or reducing crying. They may seek comfort from you or respond to your calm voice. After the tantrum, if your child can talk about what upset them or uses words to express feelings, that indicates progress. Also, check whether your child starts using calming strategies on their own, like taking deep breaths or pausing before reacting. Improvement might be slow and uneven, but consistent calm responses support your child’s learning and emotional growth.
What should you do when the steps don’t work or the tantrum escalates?
If your child’s tantrum becomes more intense, lasts a very long time, or involves unsafe behavior, focus first on safety. Keep yourself calm and avoid yelling, which can increase fear or aggression. If your child hits or throws things, calmly remove harmful objects if possible and keep a safe distance. If the situation feels out of control, ask for help from another adult. Once the tantrum ends, reflect on possible triggers like hunger, tiredness, or overstimulation. If tantrums happen very frequently, disrupt daily activities, or involve extreme aggression, it’s a good idea to consult your pediatrician or a child mental health professional. They can help identify underlying causes and recommend tailored strategies or therapies. Remember, every family faces challenges with tantrums; patience and consistency will help over time.
How do you adapt tantrum management for different ages or personalities?
For toddlers who are still learning to talk, comfort is often key. Use simple phrases like, “I see you’re sad,” and offer physical closeness if your child likes being held. For preschoolers who understand more, brief explanations and choices help. For example, “You can be angry, but it’s not okay to throw toys. Let’s pick one toy to play with.” Older children might benefit from talking about feelings and how to handle them after calming down, such as, “What can you do next time you feel frustrated?” Children with different personalities may respond better to different approaches—some need quiet space, others need to be held. Watch for what your child finds helpful and adjust your response accordingly. Teaching calming skills, like counting or deep breathing, at any age helps reduce tantrum intensity.
What should you avoid doing during a tantrum?
Avoid yelling or harsh punishments, as these can make your child feel scared and escalate emotions. Do not give in to unreasonable demands just to stop the tantrum; this teaches that tantrums get what the child wants. Avoid lecturing or explaining too much during the tantrum because children cannot focus well when upset. Do not tell your child to “stop crying” or “calm down” without helping them understand how. Avoid physical punishment or restraining your child unless necessary for safety, as this may cause more distress. Instead, focus on safety, calm presence, and gentle guidance. Remember, the goal is to help your child learn to manage strong emotions, not just to stop the behavior quickly.
How can you prepare your child to handle tantrums better in the future?
When your child is calm, teach them words for different feelings like anger, sadness, and frustration. Practice calming techniques together, such as taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or squeezing a stress ball. Use stories or role-playing to explain what happens during tantrums and why feelings get big sometimes. Praise your child when they express emotions without tantrums or when they calm themselves down. Keep routines and clear rules to reduce surprises that can trigger tantrums. You can also introduce simple emotional regulation activities designed for children to build skills that help them stay calm. Preparing your child with these tools helps reduce the frequency and intensity of future tantrums.
Frequently asked questions
How long do tantrums usually last?
Most tantrums last just a few minutes, often under 10 minutes, as children use up their emotional energy. If a tantrum goes much longer, it may indicate the child is very overwhelmed. Consistent calm responses help shorten tantrums over time.
Should I always stay with my child during a tantrum?
It’s helpful to stay close to ensure safety and provide comfort if your child wants it. However, if your child signals they want some space, giving them room while remaining nearby can help them regain control.
Can I distract my child during a tantrum?
Distraction can be useful once your child is beginning to calm down, such as offering a toy or suggesting a calming activity. Trying to distract too early may frustrate your child if they feel their feelings aren’t being acknowledged.
When is it time to seek professional help for tantrums?
If tantrums happen very often, last a long time, cause harm, or interfere with daily life, talk to your child’s doctor or a mental health specialist. They can help identify any underlying issues and provide advice or treatment.
How do I explain tantrums to my child in a simple way?
Use clear, gentle words like, “Sometimes feelings get really big, and that makes us upset. When that happens, it’s okay to feel angry, but we need to use gentle words or take deep breaths.” This helps children understand their emotions better. See for more guidance.