Why emotional regulation is important in early childhood
Short answer
Emotional regulation is important in early childhood because it helps children understand and manage their feelings in healthy ways. Developing this skill supports their social interactions, learning, and mental health by teaching them to stay calm during challenges and communicate emotions effectively, building a strong foundation for future wellbeing.
Why do children need emotional regulation, and when does it develop?
Children experience strong emotions early on but cannot control or fully understand them at first. Emotional regulation is the ability to notice feelings, name them, and respond in ways that keep themselves and others safe. This skill begins to emerge between ages 2 and 3, when toddlers develop better language and independence.
Children need emotional regulation to handle frustration, disappointment, and excitement without overwhelming behaviors like tantrums or withdrawal. For example, a 3-year-old who says “I’m mad” instead of screaming is beginning to regulate emotions. Emotional regulation helps children:
- Identify and label their feelings with words instead of actions
- Calm themselves when upset or overstimulated
- Solve problems by expressing emotions rather than acting out
- Build confidence to face challenges calmly
The brain areas involved in self-control and emotions mature during early childhood, making this a key time for parents to teach these skills. When parents respond to emotions calmly and consistently, children learn to trust and practice regulation. If parents dismiss or punish feelings harshly, children may struggle to develop these skills. Emotional regulation supports resilience, helping children recover from stress and setbacks throughout life.
What does emotional regulation look like at different ages?
Emotional regulation develops gradually as children grow. Knowing what to expect can guide parents in offering the right support at the right time. Below is an age-by-age summary with examples and ways parents can help:
| Age | Emotional Regulation Skills | How Parents Can Support |
|---|---|---|
| 1-2 years | Cries or fusses to express discomfort; seeks comfort | Comfort child, use simple words like “sad” or “mad” to describe feelings |
| 2-3 years | Starts using basic emotion words; tantrums common when upset | Name emotions (“You’re upset because…”), set simple clear rules, provide choices |
| 3-4 years | Begins to delay gratification briefly; shows signs of empathy | Encourage sharing, teach calming strategies like deep breaths, praise attempts |
| 4-5 years | Uses simple self-soothing techniques (breathing, counting) | Teach specific calming steps, discuss feelings openly, role-play social situations |
| 5-6 years | Recognizes others’ emotions; better impulse control | Support problem-solving, encourage talking about feelings, reinforce good choices |
For example, a 4-year-old might say, “I’m angry,” and then take a few deep breaths if taught, showing early regulation. Parents can celebrate these small steps by saying, “I like how you took deep breaths when you felt mad.” Maintaining routines like regular bedtimes also helps children stay emotionally steady. Remember that every child develops at their own pace, so patience is key.
How can parents talk to their child about emotions?
Talking simply and openly about emotions helps children build emotional awareness and regulation. Parents can use everyday moments to name feelings and guide children through them. Here’s a step-by-step approach parents can use:
- Name the feeling: “I see you’re feeling sad right now.”
- Validate it: “It’s okay to feel sad when things don’t go your way.”
- Suggest a way to cope: “Let’s take some deep breaths together to help you feel better.”
- Invite sharing: “Can you tell me what made you feel this way?”
For example, when a child is upset after losing a game, a parent might say: “You seem frustrated because you didn’t win. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s breathe together and think about what we can do next time.”
Using simple words like “happy,” “angry,” and “calm” regularly helps children understand their emotions. Reading books about feelings or using emotion cards can reinforce these conversations. Parents can also share their own feelings in ways children understand, for example, “I feel tired today, so I’m going to take a little rest.” This models openness and helps children learn emotional regulation by example.
What everyday moments can parents use to practice emotional regulation?
Parents can find many chances to teach emotional regulation during daily routines and situations. These moments work well because children’s feelings are real and relevant. Examples include:
- Sharing toys: When a child doesn’t want to share, say, “It’s hard to share. Let’s take turns, and if you feel upset, you can tell me.”
- Waiting patiently: During a line or before eating, encourage counting or quiet breathing to practice waiting calmly.
- Handling disappointment: If a snack isn’t available, say, “I know you’re disappointed. Let’s find something else you like.”
- Starting school: Talk about feelings before school starts and role-play what to do if your child feels scared or lonely.
- Resolving conflicts: After a fight with a sibling or friend, help your child express feelings calmly and figure out how to fix the problem.
Using calm phrases like “Let’s take a break” or “How do you want to solve this?” helps children apply regulation skills. Practicing calming strategies during these moments supports real-life emotional control and social success.
What mistakes can parents make when teaching emotional regulation?
Some common mistakes can slow a child’s emotional regulation development:
- Ignoring or dismissing feelings: Saying “Don’t cry” or “Stop being silly” may make children feel misunderstood and reluctant to share.
- Reacting with anger or frustration: Parents who show uncontrolled emotions may unintentionally teach children to react the same way.
- Protecting children from all stress: Avoiding every challenge prevents children from learning how to cope with normal frustrations.
- Expecting instant control: Emotional regulation takes time and practice; expecting children to have full control too soon can cause frustration.
- Using punishment instead of guidance: Punishing emotional outbursts may teach shame rather than how to manage feelings.
Instead, parents should listen carefully, stay calm, and gently guide children by saying, for example, “I see you’re upset. Can you use your words to tell me why?” This approach helps children learn to identify and express emotions safely.
When should parents seek extra help for emotional regulation?
Some children have more difficulty managing emotions despite parental support. Consider seeking help if you notice:
- Frequent, intense tantrums that last a long time
- Trouble calming down after getting upset
- Difficulty making or keeping friends due to emotional outbursts
- Withdrawal or extreme anxiety around social situations
- Signs of depression or talking about harming themselves
In these cases, parents can talk with pediatricians, school counselors, or child mental health professionals who work with emotional development. Early support may include therapy focused on emotional skills or family coaching. If your child expresses thoughts of self-harm or severe distress, contact a healthcare provider immediately or reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988.
How can parents support emotional regulation as children grow?
Emotional regulation is a skill that grows over time with practice and encouragement. Parents can support continued growth by:
- Modeling calm responses: Show how to pause before reacting or taking deep breaths when stressed.
- Keeping routines: Regular schedules provide a sense of safety and help children stay balanced.
- Encouraging open talks: Create a space where children feel safe to express all feelings, both positive and negative.
- Playing games: Use activities like emotion charades, storytelling, or mindfulness exercises to practice emotional skills.
- Acknowledging effort: Praise attempts to control emotions, such as saying, “You did a great job staying calm when you were upset.”
For example, when a child takes a moment to calm down, parents might say, “I noticed you took deep breaths when you felt mad. That really helped!” This kind of recognition motivates children to keep practicing regulation. With patience and understanding, parents help children become confident in managing their emotions and building positive relationships.
Frequently asked questions
How can I explain emotional regulation to my toddler?
Use simple language like “big feelings” and help your toddler name emotions they feel, such as “happy,” “sad,” or “mad.” Show calming actions like taking deep breaths or hugging a favorite toy to help them soothe themselves.
Can emotional regulation improve my child's behavior at school?
Yes. Children who manage their emotions are better able to focus, solve problems, and get along with classmates, which supports their learning and school experience.
What if my child refuses to talk about feelings?
Don’t force it. Instead, model talking about your own feelings and use stories or play to help your child express emotions indirectly until they feel ready.
Are tantrums normal for young children?
Yes, tantrums are common in toddlers and preschoolers as they learn to handle strong emotions. With gentle support, tantrums usually become less frequent over time.
When should I worry about my child's emotional outbursts?
If outbursts are very intense, frequent, or interfere with daily life and friendships, or if your child shows signs of anxiety or depression, seek advice from a pediatrician or mental health professional.