Can You Ignore Tantrums and When to Respond

Parents & guardians · How-to · Updated October 1, 2026 · LearnLife Editorial

What do you need before starting to ignore tantrums?

Before deciding to ignore your child’s tantrums, preparation is essential for the strategy to work effectively and safely. First, understand the reasons behind the tantrum by observing your child’s behavior and triggers. For example, is your child frustrated because they can’t express a need or are they testing limits? Understanding this helps determine if ignoring is appropriate. Make sure your child is in a safe space free from sharp objects, stairs, or anything they could hurt themselves with during a tantrum. Have a plan for your own emotional response: prepare to stay calm, breathe deeply, and avoid reacting emotionally yourself. Practicing mindfulness or brief calming techniques beforehand can help you maintain your composure. It’s also helpful to explain the plan to other caregivers or family members so everyone responds consistently. Consistency is key. Remember, ignoring tantrums does not mean ignoring your child’s feelings; it means not reinforcing the tantrum behavior. Ensure you are ready to offer attention and comfort once the tantrum ends to reassure your child. Finally, know your child’s developmental stage—toddlers may tantrum because they lack language skills, while older children might have different reasons—which will affect how you implement ignoring.

What are the steps to ignore tantrums and why?

Ignoring a tantrum is a step-by-step process that requires patience and consistency. Here’s how to do it effectively:

1. Stay calm and composed. Your calm demeanor reassures your child and prevents escalation. For example, take slow breaths and remind yourself that tantrums are a normal part of development.
2. Ensure your child’s safety. Quickly scan the environment and gently move your child if there is any immediate risk, such as near sharp edges or busy streets.
3. Avoid eye contact and verbal responses. Do not speak, scold, or look at your child during the tantrum, as any attention—positive or negative—can reinforce the behavior.
4. Do not give in to demands during the tantrum. If your child wants a toy or treat, do not give it to them while they are upset. Giving in teaches that tantrums are effective.
5. Wait quietly until the tantrum subsides. This might take a few minutes or longer. Use this time to stay composed and remind yourself ignoring works over time.
6. Offer comfort and attention once calm. When your child stops screaming or crying, get down to their level and say something like, “I’m here now. Let’s take some deep breaths together.”
7. Talk about feelings and alternatives. Once calm, help your child name their feelings by saying, for example, “You were really upset because you wanted to play with the toy, right? Next time, you can say ‘please’ or wait your turn.”

Following these steps helps your child learn that tantrums don’t lead to rewards, while still feeling cared for. Ignoring tantrums is not neglect; it’s teaching emotional self-control.

How do you tell if ignoring tantrums worked?

Knowing if ignoring tantrums is effective comes from observing changes in your child’s behavior over time. You can expect to see:

• Shorter tantrums: The length of tantrums decreases as your child learns they won’t get attention during these outbursts.
• Reduced frequency: Your child tantrums less often because they discover tantrums don’t change outcomes.
• More calm expressions of feelings: Your child starts using words or simple gestures (“I’m mad,” “Help please”) instead of screaming or crying.
• Positive engagement: After calming down, your child seeks your attention in a calm way, such as hugging or talking.
• Better handling of frustration: Your child shows signs of trying to solve problems or waits for their turn instead of tantruming.

For example, if your toddler used to throw tantrums several times a day when denied candy but now only reacts calmly or briefly fusses once a week, ignoring tantrums has helped. Keep in mind, progress may be gradual and sometimes inconsistent, especially if your child is tired or hungry.

What to do when ignoring tantrums goes wrong?

Ignoring tantrums doesn’t always go smoothly. Sometimes tantrums escalate, or your child may injure themselves or others. Here’s what to do if ignoring backfires:

• Reassess safety immediately: If your child is hitting themselves or others, intervene gently but firmly by guiding their hands away or holding them softly to prevent harm.
• Provide comfort if needed: If your child becomes inconsolable or you suspect they are overwhelmed, briefly comfort them by saying, “I’m here. Let’s calm down together,” then try ignoring again once calmer.
• Check for unmet needs: Sometimes tantrums signal hunger, tiredness, illness, or emotional distress. Address these needs first before using ignoring as discipline.
• Avoid punishing tantrums: Punishment can increase anxiety and worsen behavior. Focus on teaching and guiding instead.
• Stay consistent but flexible: If ignoring isn’t working after repeated attempts, try alternative strategies such as distraction or redirection temporarily.
• Seek professional advice: If tantrums are frequent, intense, or affect daily life, consider consulting a pediatrician or child psychologist for guidance.

For example, if ignoring leads to a tantrum lasting over 30 minutes or your child becomes physically aggressive, switch to comforting and calming strategies first. The goal is teaching emotional regulation, not just stopping behavior.

How can you adapt ignoring tantrums for different ages or personalities?

Ignoring tantrums works differently depending on your child’s age, temperament, and needs.

• Toddlers: Since toddlers have limited language skills, their tantrums often stem from frustration or inability to communicate. Ignoring brief tantrums is effective if the child is safe, but also pair it with teaching simple words like “help” or “stop.” For example, say, “When you’re upset, you can say ‘no’ or ‘help’ instead of yelling.” Use distraction often.
• Preschoolers: Older children understand more and may throw tantrums to test limits. Ignoring works well here but combine it with clear explanations about rules and consequences.
• Shy or sensitive children: These children may react with anxiety during tantrums. Ignoring combined with gentle reassurance works best to avoid feelings of rejection.
• Strong-willed or defiant children: They might escalate tantrums when ignored. Be consistent, but also teach emotional labeling and coping skills.
• Neurodivergent children: Children with sensory sensitivities or autism spectrum disorder may need more immediate comfort and explicit teaching of emotional recognition rather than ignoring.

Adapting your approach means knowing your child well, watching their reactions, and adjusting strategies. For example, if ignoring does not reduce tantrums for a particular child, try a “time-in,” where you stay close and help regulate emotions with words like, “I see you’re upset. Let’s breathe together.”

When should you not ignore tantrums?

Ignoring tantrums is not always the best choice. Avoid ignoring when:

• Your child’s safety is jeopardized. If your child is hitting, biting themselves or others, or in danger, intervene immediately.
• The tantrum is unusually intense or prolonged. This may indicate emotional distress, pain, or illness.
• Your child is very young or unable to understand the situation. Infants and very young toddlers need comfort rather than ignoring.
• The tantrum signals a cry for help. For example, if your child’s behavior changes suddenly or they seem scared or withdrawn, respond with attention and care.
• Ignoring leads to feelings of abandonment. If your child becomes more distressed or feels rejected, reintroduce comforting responses.
• You suspect underlying mental health concerns. If tantrums are frequent, extreme, or include self-harm, seek professional help.

For example, if your child begins to scream nonstop after an injury or illness, ignoring is inappropriate. Instead, soothe and assess if medical care is needed. Recognizing these situations helps keep your child emotionally and physically safe.

What are alternatives or additions to ignoring tantrums?

Ignoring tantrums is one strategy among many. Other techniques that can support your child’s emotional growth include:

• Setting clear limits and rules: Explain consequences calmly and consistently so your child knows what to expect.
• Distraction and redirection: When you sense a tantrum brewing, redirect your child’s attention to a different activity or object.
• Teaching emotional vocabulary: Help your child name their feelings with phrases like “I see you’re angry” or “It’s okay to feel sad.”
• Positive reinforcement: Praise your child when they express feelings calmly or behave well after disappointment.
• Time-ins: Instead of isolating the child, stay close, and help them calm down by breathing or cuddling.
• Modeling calm behavior: Show your child how you handle frustration by narrating your own feelings and actions.

Here is a simple table comparing approaches:

Using a mix of these strategies tailored to your child’s needs supports healthy emotional development and fewer tantrums.

Frequently asked questions

Should I always ignore my child's tantrums?

No, ignoring is best for safe, attention-seeking tantrums but not when your child is hurt, overwhelmed, or needs comfort. Use your judgment to respond appropriately.

How long should I ignore a tantrum?

Continue ignoring until the tantrum naturally ends and your child begins to calm. This may be minutes or longer; avoid giving in too soon to discourage tantrums.

Can ignoring tantrums harm my child emotionally?

When done carefully with attention to safety and emotional needs, ignoring doesn’t harm but helps teach self-control. Ignoring without comforting afterward can cause distress.

How do I know if a tantrum is normal or a problem?

Normal tantrums are short, related to frustration, and decrease with age. Frequent, intense, or disruptive tantrums may need professional evaluation.

What if my child tantrums in public and ignoring seems impossible?

Stay calm and keep your child safe. Use distraction or remove your child briefly if needed. Afterward, return to ignoring if possible and discuss feelings when calm.

Can ignoring tantrums teach my child self-control?

Yes, consistent ignoring helps children learn tantrums don’t get results, encouraging better emotional expression and self-regulation skills.